


Vile Fierce Corpse

by Talon7



Category: MDZS, 陈情令 | The Untamed (TV)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Kittens, No Timeline, Plot Twist but not really, Ridiculous, Swords, Wangji would never, absolute crack, but who cares, extreme OOC, he was already dead, innacurate everything, kittens only get scared NOT hurt, no sense, none of this makes sense, spoiler: Jin Guangshan dies, written like a screenplay, you'll say 'what the...'
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-07
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:00:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26869306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Talon7/pseuds/Talon7
Summary: Messing around with a Plot Generator when this absolute crack happened!Wei Wuxian is a coward who becomes brave.Lan Wangji breaks up but wants to get back together.Jiang Cheng is along for the ride.Jin Guangshan is dead but dies again.Written like a screenplay.Up to you to read!
Kudos: 1





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I am figuring out how to upload chapters. Forgive me if it goes weird.

YILING - AFTERNOON  
Head Disciple Wei Wuxian is arguing with Jade Cultivator Lan Wangji. Wei Wuxian tries to hug Lan Wangji but is shaken off.

Wei Wuxian:  
Please Wangji, don't leave me.

Lan Wangji:  
I'm sorry Wei Wuxian, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.

Wei Wuxian:  
I am such a person!

Lan Wangji frowns.

Lan Wangji:  
I'm sorry, Wei Wuxian. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

Lan Wangji leaves.  
Wei Wuxian sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, Sect Heir Jiang Cheng barges in looking flustered.

Wei Wuxian:  
Goodness, Jiang Cheng! Is everything okay?

Jiang Cheng:  
I'm afraid not.

Wei Wuxian:  
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

Jiang Cheng:  
It's ... a Fierce corpse ... I saw an evil Fierce corpse scare a bunch of kittens!

Wei Wuxian:  
Defenseless kittens?

Jiang Cheng:  
Yes, defenseless kittens!

Wei Wuxian:  
Bloomin' heck, Jiang Cheng! We've got to do something.

Jiang Cheng:  
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

Wei Wuxian:  
You can start by telling me where this happened.

Jiang Cheng:  
I was...

Jiang Cheng fans himself and begins to wheeze.

Wei Wuxian:  
Focus Jiang Cheng, focus! Where did it happen?

Jiang Cheng:  
Yunmeng! That's right - Yunmeng!

Wei Wuxian springs up and begins to run.  
Wei Wuxian rushes along the street, followed by Jiang Cheng. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.


	2. 2

YUNMENG - SHORTLY AFTER

Jin Guangshan, a vile Fierce corpse terrorises two kittens.  
Wei Wuxian, closely followed by Jiang Cheng, rushes towards Jin Guangshan, but suddenly stops in his tracks.

Jiang Cheng:  
What is is? What's the matter?

Wei Wuxian:  
That's not just any old Fierce corpse, that's Jin Guangshan!

Jiang Cheng:  
Who's Jin Guangshan?

Wei Wuxian:  
Who's Jin Guangshan? Who's Jin Guangshan? Only the most vile Fierce corpse in the universe!

Jiang Cheng:  
Blinkin' knickers, Wei Wuxian! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most vile Fierce corpse in the universe!

Wei Wuxian:  
You can say that again.

Jiang Cheng:  
Blinkin' knickers, Wei Wuxian! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most vile Fierce corpse in the universe!

Wei Wuxian:  
I'm going to need Swords, lots of Swords.

Jin Guangshan turns and sees Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng. He grins an evil grin.

Jin Guangshan:  
Wei Wuxian, we meet again.

Jiang Cheng:  
You've met?

Wei Wuxian:  
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young Wei Wuxian is sitting in a park listening to some classical music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.  
He looks up and sees Jin Guangshan. He takes off his headphones.

Jin Guangshan:  
Would you like some Booze?

Wei Wuxian's eyes light up, but then he studies Jin Guangshan more closely, and looks uneasy.

Wei Wuxian:  
I don't know, you look kind of vile.

Jin Guangshan:  
Me? No. I'm not vile. I'm the least vile Fierce corpse in the world.

Wei Wuxian:  
Wait, you're a Fierce corpse?

Wei Wuxian runs away, screaming.


	3. 3

YUNMENG - PRESENT DAY

Jin Guangshan:  
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

Jiang Cheng:  
(To WUXIAN) You ran away?

Wei Wuxian:  
(To CHENG) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

Wei Wuxian turns to Jin Guangshan.

Wei Wuxian:  
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

Wei Wuxian runs away.  
He turns back and shouts.

Wei Wuxian:  
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with Swords.

Jin Guangshan:  
I'm not scared of you.

Wei Wuxian:  
You should be.

\-----

LANLING - LATER THAT DAY

Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng walk around searching for something.

Wei Wuxian:  
I feel sure I left my Sword somewhere around here.

Jiang Cheng:  
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep a deadly Sword.

Wei Wuxian:  
You know nothing Jiang Cheng.

Jiang Cheng:  
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think it's here.

Suddenly, Jin Guangshan appears, holding a pair of Swords.

Jin Guangshan:  
Looking for something?

Jiang Cheng:  
Crikey, Wei Wuxian, he's got our Swords.

Wei Wuxian:  
Tell me something I don't already know!

Jiang Cheng:  
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

Wei Wuxian:  
I know that already!

Jiang Cheng:  
I'm afraid of my mum!

Jin Guangshan:  
(appalled) Dude!

While Jin Guangshan is looking at Jiang Cheng with disgust, Wei Wuxian lunges forward and grabs the deadly Swords. He wields them, triumphantly.

Wei Wuxian:  
Prepare to die, you vile turnip!

Jin Guangshan:  
No please! All I did was scare a bunch of kittens!

Lan Wangji enters, unseen by any of the others.

Wei Wuxian:  
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those kittens were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Wei Wuxian defender of innocent kittens.

Jin Guangshan:  
Don't hurt me! Please!

Wei Wuxian:  
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these Swords on you right away!

Jin Guangshan:  
Because, Wei Wuxian, I am your father.

Wei Wuxian looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.

Wei Wuxian:  
No you're not!

Jin Guangshan:  
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

Jin Guangshan tries to grab the Swords but Wei Wuxian dodges out of the way.

Wei Wuxian:  
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, Jin Guangshan slumps to the ground.

Jiang Cheng:  
Did he just faint?

Wei Wuxian:  
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly Swords.

Wei Wuxian crouches over Jin Guangshan's body.

Jiang Cheng:  
Be careful, Wei Wuxian. It could be a trick.

Wei Wuxian:  
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Jin Guangshan is dead!  
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.

Jiang Cheng claps his hands.

Jiang Cheng:  
So your Swords did save the day, after all.

Lan Wangji steps forward.

Lan Wangji:  
Is it true? Did you kill the vile Fierce corpse?

Wei Wuxian:  
Lan Wangji, how long have you been...?

Lan Wangji puts his arm around Wei Wuxian.

Lan Wangji:  
Long enough.

Wei Wuxian:  
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Jin Guangshan.

Lan Wangji:  
Then the kittens are safe?

Wei Wuxian:  
It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable kittens enter, looking relived.

Lan Wangji:  
You are their hero.

The kittens bow to Wei Wuxian.

Wei Wuxian:  
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Jin Guangshan will never scare kittens ever again, is enough for me.

Lan Wangji:  
You are humble as well as brave!

One of the kittens passes Wei Wuxian a bottle of chili oil.

Lan Wangji:  
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

Wei Wuxian:  
I couldn't possibly.  
......  
Well, if you insist.

Wei Wuxian takes the chili oil.

Wei Wuxian:  
Thank you.

The kittens bow their heads once more, and leave.  
Wei Wuxian turns to Lan Wangji.

Wei Wuxian:  
Does this mean you want me back?

Lan Wangji:  
Oh, Wei Wuxian, of course I want you back!

Wei Wuxian smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

Wei Wuxian:  
Well you can't have me.

Lan Wangji:  
WHAT?

Wei Wuxian:  
You had no faith in me. You had to see me scare a Fierce corpse to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

Lan Wangji:  
But...

Wei Wuxian:  
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Jiang Cheng.

Jiang Cheng grins.

Lan Wangji:  
But...

Jiang Cheng:  
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

Lan Wangji:  
Wei Wuxian?

Wei Wuxian:  
I'm sorry Lan Wangji, but I think you should skidaddle.

Lan Wangji leaves.

Jiang Cheng turns to Wei Wuxian.

Jiang Cheng:  
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

Wei Wuxian:  
Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.  
Suddenly Jiang Cheng stops.

Jiang Cheng:  
When I said I'm afraid of my mum, you know I was just trying to distract the Fierce corpse don't you?

THE END


End file.
